Edward Goes Off His Diet
by AbandonedKittenAtYourDoor
Summary: Trouble is brewing in the small town of Forks. Edward just can't stop eating people and tries to keep it from Bella. Will the Cullens secret be exposed? Is this the end of the world? Will Bella ever stop tripping over stuff? Read to find out!
1. Soap opera's always make me emotional

**A/N: Okay-this is just something silly I wrote a few minutes ago for fun.**

**WARNING! There is heavy Twilight-bashing/Character-bashing/Bashing of everything in this because I find humor in it. I like Twilight pretty well, as well as Bella's character, but I will be insulting them heavily in this. Especially Bella! Be warned!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, not one bit.**

**Soap Operas always make me emotional...**

Bella was in the Cullen living room one day watching soap operas with her boyfriend Edward. If Edward could cry, he would be doing so right now.

Bella looks over at him and asked,"Do you need a tissue sweetheart?" *sniff* He smiles at her then says, "No Bella I'm fine, but thanks for thinking of me deer."

Two gun shots suddenly rang out of nowhere. Edward turned back to the soap opera and suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs like a psycho, in a high pitched girly voice, "NO IT'S NOT TRUE!" His favorite couple had just murdered each other at the very same time. They had both succeeded in giving the other a mortal wound. Their lifeless bodies collapsed onto the floor with a loud thud. Huge, gaping bullet wounds were now in their chests. Blood soaked into the floor, staining the carpet a deep crimson. '_They will never get that out of that rug._' Edward cringed from his vampire OCD.

"Hugo, Maria, I thought you were in loooooooove!" Edward wailed pathetically. But then all of a sudden the fake blood on the screen made Edward think of warm sweet blood, and his vamp side was coming out at full force. He started drooling. He whipped his head away from Bella and growled, "BELLA GET OUTTA HERE NOW!" Bella started stuttering like always, but stayed rooted to her spot on the sofa like an idiot. She should know to run when a vampire tells her to by now shouldn't she? "Y-You won't hurt me." Bella stated with confidence. Edward jumped up offa the sofa and waved his arms around in the air like a madman. "GET OUT JUST DO IT! GO !" he yelled.

Bella was shaking. She went not two, but three shades whiter than she usually is, and that's saying something. She had never seen him quite like this before. That infamous episode he had back in class when she first got within attack range was nothing compared to this insanity!

"O-okay Edward I'll call you tonight." she said nervously. Bella got up from the sofa and fell flat on her face with an 'oof!' onto the carpeted living room floor.

"GET YOU'RE ACCIDENT PRONE ASS OUT OF HERE BEFORE I EAT YOU IN ONE BITE!"

Bella found it hard to stand when the vampire was making her so fearful, but she eventually got to the Cullen's door, managing to only trip three more times on the way over to it. **(Way to go Bells!) **

She crawled into her truck (she had somehow broken her left leg and sprained her wrist because of that nasty fall over a bush. She had actually kind of flipped over it, which would have been awesome if anyone had been taping her clumsiness and put it up on YouTube.

MEANWHILE IN THE CULLEN LIVING ROOM: Edward had burst out of the side of the glass wall in his blood-induced frenzy. _'No time to open a door. I have to feed right NOW!' _Edward's inner beast roared. He ran and ran and ran a full circle around the world, in record time for a vampire, trying to find the right kind of animal to quench his dark thirst. It was nighttime when he found himself in a big city god knows where.

_'Animals won't do! I want human blood. I need it bad, just eating one human won't hurt. Nobody will miss 'em anyway.' _He was truly going mad he thought, but he wanted human and he was going to _damn _well have it._ 'I'll just kill one of these homeless people. It won't make people as suspicious.'_

He landed near an old smelly guy who was drinking booze. He never saw him coming. Edward ripped his head off and sucked out all of the blood from his neck like a bottle of cherry soda. His eyes flashed an intense red and he started laughing maniacally. The only way to describe how he felt was to think of someone who has been on a low-fat diet for 10 years straight, and eats a whole chocolate cake smothered in ice cream and chocolate sauce, with jellybeans on top. He was euphoric!

_'Wow that sure tasted good. I think I'll have another.'_

He was an addict now. He just couldn't stop eating people.

He knew if he ate all of the homeless people that hung out around in this area, he would definitely raise suspicion, but he could not have cared less. He ate all of them, then he proceeded to eat a few people going to their cars for the night.

Edward spat out the car keys he had accidentally swallowed when he feasted on that last woman in the parking lot.

_'I must go home. I need to speak with Bella.' _He was now coming down from his blood-high, and he was feeling somewhat guilty. But full, very full. _'Bella won't like this, so I just won't tell her. It was a one time thing, and it won't happen again so there is no need for her to find out.' _Edward said with resolve. He started running back to Forks to try and explain the broken house to his family and be there for Bella's call.

**A/N: Leave a review if you can. I don't know when I'll be updating, but I plan on it when I have the time. Thanks for reading! :3**


	2. Really Awkward Phone Calls

**A/N: Ch.2 is here and the weirdness continues. **

**WARNING: There will be a lot of gore and OOC so count on it. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Nor do I in any alternate universe. **

**Really Awkward Phone Calls **

**Bella's POV**

Bella knew that Edward hadn't meant the cruel words he had said. He was only trying to make her understand how desperately she needed to get as far away from him as possible at the moment.

There is nothing quite like a hungry-vampire.

She had somehow managed to drive herself all the way to the hospital with her leg in the banged-up state it was in, and crawled all the way up to the emergency room. She didn't want to be a burden, so she hadn't asked for anyone's help.

The nurse at the desk had given her a strange look, because the girl was clearly insane.

Bella had also scared several people shitless who were on their way to and from the door of the emergency room half out of their minds. They had thought she was a crawling zombie fresh out of the grave. She was so dirty from dragging herself and it only added to the effect. One lady had even screamed and ran from the disturbing sight.

Bella just rolled her eyes. _'Gotta get in the building...'_

Now she was put up in a hospital room, with her leg in a cast yet again, and a sling for her hurt wrist. Dark-purplish bruises and bloody scrapes were covering her entire body from being dragged across concrete.

She wanted to give Edward some time to cool off (nobody ever sleeps in the Cullen house anyways) so she called her dad first. It was late at night and he was completely off his rocker when she spoke to him.

"Where is that Cullen boy! I'm bringing my shotgun over to their house right now!"

"Dad! calm down, he didn't do this to me, I fell!"

_Silence ..."_Doesn't matter Bells! He's nothing but trouble! "

"I'm the one who causes all of the trouble since I can't take one step without nearly killing myself."

Sheriff Swan laughed loudly into the receiver. "You do have a point there sweetheart. Look I'll be down there in a bit and bring you some things. What do you need?"

"Yes but please just don't tell mom okay?"

**Edward's POV**

Edward had changed his clothes to get rid of the gore from his previous gluttonous activities, before he presented himself to his family. His vampire skin had sucked in all of the blood and meat that had splattered onto his sexy bod.

He kept chanting to himself in his head, _'Alice will know, Alice will know, The bitch will know!'_

Alice knew. She greeted him at the door with her arms crossed and an accusing expression on her elven-like face.

Alice told Edward through her mind that she knew what he had done, but hadn't told the others yet. Of course they knew about the broken wall, but they just figured Bella had fallen through it anyway, since it happened every time she visited, so they thought nothing of it.

He was going to have to man-up and confess on his own, she told him.

_'You don't want me to make you do it do you?'_

Edward shuddered. He remembered the last time Alice had gotten mad at him and forced him to go shopping for dresses with her. She made him try a bunch on, since he has such a girlish figure anyway, they fit quite nicely. Edward had to admit he had secretly liked it though, but he'd be damned if he let anybody know. He has a bad-ass vampire rep to live up to after all!

Edward kept his head down like a bad dog, and drug his feet on his way in, which looked pretty weird because it looked like he was dancing, like doing the moonwalk forwards or something. Alice ballet-dance pirouetted after him.

The rest of the Cullens were all in the living room watching a vampire movie marathon, and laughing their asses of at how humans had it all wrong. Even the ever-serious Dr. Cullen had started laughing so hard tears almost came to his eyes. He could barely get himself together but he did and turned off the TV so he could speak to Edward.

"Edward, Bella called from the hospital and said she wanted to speak to you, wow she fell through the wall again didn't she? Poor uncoordinated human. I'm afraid if we turn her it won't change the way she moves at all." he said with a laugh.

"Dad..."Edward made a face.

He wanted to just leave them thinking that's what really happened, but Alice was glaring daggers into his skull, and he would have felt it deep down into his soul, if he had one that is.

Rosalie and Emmett didn't really care about the conversation so they jumped out the broken wall. You could see them fighting over a rabbit one of them had caught. Rosalie had the head in her mouth, and Emmett had the legs and they started eating it when their fangs met in the middle of the torn body. It kinda reminded someone of that spagetti scene in Lady and the Tramp, so horribly romantic. Like with blood instead of tomato sauce and rabbit guts instead of spagetti.

"Dad, I need to tell you all what really happened to the side of our house."

The others looked confused, but Esme spoke, "Of course dear, you can tell us anything." she smiled warmly.

Edward sighed running his hand though his hair.

He blurted out, "I almost killed my girlfriend in bloodlust, yelled cruel asshole things to her, jumped out the side of the house like a wildebeest, and went on a ravenous killing spree all because of a dumb soap-opera!

Jasper looked horrified, but licked his lips anyway thinking of fresh blood.

Dr. Cullen jumped up and yelled at Edward -

"JUST WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT WATCHING THOSE SOAP-OPERAS! HUH! THEY ARE A WORSE INFLUENCE THAN BEING ADDICTED TO DRUGS! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND NEVER RETURN!

Esme grabbed Carlisle's arm and told her husband, "Surely you don't mean it sugarbuns!"

"YES I MOTHERFUCKING DO! ALL WE NEED IS FOR THE REST OF THE KIDS TO START WATCHING THEM! HE'S A HORRIBLE INFLUENCE ON THEM ALL!

"Shhh!" Esme pressed her finger to his lips.

"Look into my eyes sweetcheeks."

Carlisle did and was immediately hypnotized.

"Repeat after me, _'Edward is a good boy. Edward gets to stay in the house.'_

Carlisle looked like he was about to shut down completely but did what she said.

"Edward is a good boy. Edward gets to stay in the house." he droned.

"Now honeypie go and wait upstairs for me." she said with a wink.

Alice giggled.

Carlisle walked upstairs like a robot and that was the last they heard from him for weeks.

Esme turned to face her son.

"Edward you musn't tell Bella."

Edward flinched afraid of his mother's evil powers, but visably relaxed when he thought the danger had passed.

"Don't you think I know that mom. She will hate me forever! Or even worse she won't care at all which I think is even more likely and disturbing!"

"Now, now. Edward go and call her but make sure you sound completely calm. She knows you have episodes. Apologize for the hurtful things you said and offer to take her out on our yacht for a romantic getaway. All will be forgiven and she will be putty in your hands! Mwahahahhaaaa!"

Edward cringed again.

He left the room immediately, Alice following closely on his heels into the kitchen.

_'I'd hate to ever make her that mad to go and use her hypnotism on me. God what did dad ever do? Man, I don't even wanna know!'_ he thought.

Edward picked up the phone and dialed the room number that had been written down on a pad by the phone.

As the phone was ringing, Alice whispered -

"Edward, tell Bella she is going shopping with me soon!" she sounded utterly sinister.

Edward sighed. He wanted to go dress shopping with his sister instead, but of course he couldn't let her know.

"Hello?"

"Bella it's me."

"Edward! how are you? Did you hunt? "

_Pause..._

Edward and Alice looked at each other their eyes bulging out of their sockets.

"Y-yeah I ate a few billy goats up on the mountain." he lied. "Listen sweetie you know I didn't mean to yell at you earlier right?"

"I know silly, you were hungry you didn't mean it. After all you still have trouble around me because I smell so delectable. I'm irresistable remember?" she said with a laugh.

_'Wow. She sure is overly-confident in herself.' _thought Edward to himself.

"Bella it was the blood on the soap opera. It made me think of how good it looks and the way it feels going down my throat," he explained to her like she were a small child.

"Hmph!" Bella felt offended. She wanted her scent alone to set off his bloodlust, not some floozy who died on daytime TV.

"Listen you jerk-faced Two-timing freak-of-nature! Don't you ever call me again until you are the Edward that I know and love! I don't know who you are but get the hell outta my sweet angel Edward's body! GO TO HELL! "she violently screamed into the phone receiver.

Edward and Alice were shocked beyond belief. Bella slammed the phone back down and went off into an emo cry-fest about how Edward was lusting after someone else's blood. She cried herself into a coma for several weeks.

**A/N: Now that both Carlisle and Bella are completely out of it for a few weeks, what events will have taken place when they finally come to their senses? Thanks to all reading or reviewing! See ya next time!**


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